Introduction

Beginning something is always a dread.

It is amazing how many dreams, ideas and goals I make for myself. I love myself for that. Though I also stress, doubt myself and hide from the world as a reaction to me dreaming, having ideas and goals. Those days are hopefully over now. I did achieve some goals although they aren't as vaulable as dreams being acheived. Who says that? Noone probably. But it just seems like our modern world is mostly fixated on dreams coming true, because perhaps it is almost fairytale-like, especially when it comes to the wording we often hear like "dream" house, job or wedding and so fourth. That has had its effect on me and perhaps that is why I value and chase the dreams more, than appreciating the goals I made long the way. Goals are needed to be achieved for dreams to come true. But I digress. I rambled a bit now.

I have this need to feel fully free. It means alot to me to be able be open and be myself, because I have been silenced the most of my youth by others, and most of my young adult life by myself as a result of unresolved trauma. I want to show who I am to people without having this fear of being too little or much. At the same time I know I shouldn't care to show my confidence as they say, but then again not caring makes me feel less like me and more cold. I don't believe I should be 100 % confident all the time, because then I would become arrogant. Its weird because I am not trying to get everyone to like me either because it is imposible task and burden to put on oneself. I have tried and failed. Fear is a part of life which is there to make us grow and have something to overcome. Fear is there for a reason, and therefor a learning experience. It just need to be realistic and not interfere and/or control our day to day life. I want to grow. I want to see what I can do with this blog. I want a space for my thoughtprocess to be present, so I can feel myself being in the now and expressing who I am with all the confusion I have about life and its rules, which are manmade and go in different directions. I strive to have a good life for me and those around me. We are all just people who want be heard, loved and accepted for who we are. I feel like I made many mistakes in my writing but for me right now at this moment, I just needed to post something that is a beginning. Just free flow writing, so I get started. I have had many years in which all I could think about was wanting to write and being frustratingly blocked and afraid of jugdement. I now know why and I am at this moment feeling more free than I have ever felt.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this word salat. Wish you good health and joy.